Hell's Half Acre

ahhhhhh, brasil!!!!!!

The sights! The sounds! The SMELLS! The caiphirinas! Rio is magnificent. I'm trying to figure out who that statue is? Is it Rio? She does not appear to be dancing on the sand. . . curious.

I am drunk on Brazil. I don't even know where Goblin is. The minute goblin and I reached shore, Goblin muttered something and took off. I think Goblin is looking for illegal substances, maybe steroids. Goblin is a big fan of baseball so it wouldn't surprise me in the least. I told Goblin to be back at the pirate vessel at dawn, SHARP! Otherwise Goblin will miss the WAXING!!!

Anyways, I found this great carnival outfit! What do you think? Is it me?

Tomorrow is waxing! Everyone is invited! It is such a party! Wow! whoever knew it could be this good!

!!!!!!!!!!xoxoxxo,

!krix!

mary mary quite contrary

Dear Blog Readers,

This blog needs an NC-17 rating for scenes involving drug use and paraphenalia. Also, waxing one's behind? That is filthy!  I am disgusted with anyone who condones this sort of behavior.

I am here to renounce all of these evil-doers once and for all. I am petitioning the FCC to have this blog shut down.  I am outraged. The moral indecency. The decrepitude! I must protect the rest of America!  Krixfort must be stopped immediately.

I have to go. I have Clear Channel calling me about their financials.

Outraged,

Mary

crashing

Poor little goblin is a little despondent today. I think Goblin has crashed a little from all the ups and downs experienced on this trip. Goblin needs to dry out a bit I think. Anyway, we haven't reached Brazil due to complications stemming from last night's debacle.

Goblin and I were returned to our boat where we decided we needed to set sail at top speed. The problem is that neither Goblin or I are too adept at nautical navigation. It's amazing that we've made it this far. So like the coked up, jittery freaks that we were, we just took off! In the wrong direction! 

We set the boat on auto pilot and ran around top deck in our underwear laughing like freaks until Panamanian coast guard boats pulled up alongside us. Their translator asked us where we were headed and Goblin got wise:

Goblin: That's for me to know and you to find out!

Krixfort: Goblin!! Shhhhhhh!

Panamanian Coast Guard Translator: Senior Goblin. This is no joke, por favor.

Goblin: You're not the boss of me.

Krixfort: Gobin's not feeling well officer, are you GOBLIN. *kicks goblin* We're on our way to Rio.

PCG Translator: Rio! Dios Mio! You are in Panamanian waters!

Goblin: Holy CARP!

Krixfort: WTF?

PCG Translator: *eyes krixfort and goblin suspiciously*  Are you sure you two are okay? Your eyes look a little funny.

Krixfort: We're a little wound up because we've been on this crazy adventure. Boy if you hadn't come along PCG Translator, we sure would've been in a heap of trouble! *bats eyelashes, smiles sweetly* Gosh you sure are helpful!  Say, you wouldn't happen to know which direction we should be heading in do you. . . .?

So anyway, we're off again, headed in the right direction.  Goblin is pissed because I yelled about innappropriate behavior. Goblin said it was the pot calling the kettle black. We just need a little alone time right now so that we'll be rip ready to go when we hit Brazil.

Yeah baby! Brazillian wax this ass!

Ciao cats!

Dinner in Colombia

Excuse me because I'm a little wound up here okay. We just had dinner at the cartel's house followed by a crazy helicopter ride back to the boat.   like I said, we dined on coffee and coca leaves and nobody really wanted to eat after that but that's okay, isn't it? I think it is. so while we were there, Gothra faxed me my test results from last week's javascript test and I got THE MOST MISERABLE score EVER!!!! But Goth told me that the dude I'm friends with in the class did just as badly woohoo. 

Okay, let me catch my breath.

The cartel was really nice and not as scary as I thought they would be after I saw Maria Full of Grace and all. They gave us a bunch of balloons for the trip but Goblin warned me not to accept this gift. I heeded Goblin's advice and politely declined. Then all of a sudden everyone was in this big rush and before I knew it we were helicoptering away. Freaky.

Did I say something wrong?  What does one do in these situations? How do you just say no?

Consumer note: for more information on how to prepare your own coca leaves, click here.

holding down the fort

So yeah. Gothra here.  I went to krixfort's usual hang last night just to make sure she wasn't missing anything. What a dive. And what's with all the craft beer.  All krixfort's friends were trying to be friendly to me but I really wanted to be left alone to brood, sullenly.

Whatever.

My favorite bar is called the Abbey. It's on Decatur street in New Orleans. Krixfort and I went there once. She fell off her barstool.  Then she took off with some other drunk guy and rode on the back of his bicycle. They looked like two drunk clowns on a tiny clown bike.  She has no decorum.

Today on the way to Krixfort's job, I saw some interesting Pile Art that the Fairy Butler may have found interesting.  It was a broken down pony ride with one boken leg. The springs were still intact and I thought about riding it but you shouldn't ride a horse with a broken leg. You should just shoot it. Besides, I don't really kow if you're supposed to interact with pile art or just observe.

That's all for now,

Gothra

Greetings from Open Waters

It is a special day! The balmy caribbean breezes wash over Goblin and I as we sail through the sparkling caribbean waters. I am wearing the same suit that Simon Le Bon was wearing in the Rio video. I won the bid at Sotheby's!  Goblin has painted itself up like the chick in the Hungry Like the Wolf video but Goblin is mad at me because I am refusing to play the song.

Anywho, I haven't seen any sharks, which is a good thing. My pirate ship is sailing true and we should make landfall by this afternoon. The Medellin are waiting!! We are dining on coffee and coca leaves tonight after which, Goblin and I will run sail straight through the night to Rio. The Real Rio.

Dear Mountain Man,

Let me just say that Ned's Saloon is phenomenal. And the Zagat's review that Fairy Butler posted hit the nail on the head.  I can't wait to rejoin all of you after my travels are through and recount my tales of adventure, while I am tied to a wagon wheel.

Well, Goblin and I are through with Jamaica. I skanked all day and all night (because time passes more quickly in the Caribbean than it does back in the office.)  I'm ready to move on to climes farther south.  I'm heading toward Caracas, where I am planning to shake my carcas. After that, Goblin and I are going to trek inland and travel through the coke producing region of Colombia to dine with the Medellin Cartel. We have a special invite.

Wish you were here,

xoxoxx,

Krixfort

Mary the cop

Hi. my name is Mary and I am here to make sure there is some level of sanity, propriety and proper discourse at Heck's Half Acre. First of all, let me just say this. I really don't appreciate some of the activities that have gone on here recently and I'm happy to have this chance to finally address these issues.

Back when krix was at blogger, there was a lot of blasephemous sentiments. I just want to say that while I am here, I will be acting as a general censor and captian of the thought police. With that said, please disregard that skating hooligan Todd. I've called his parents and he is now banned from blogging and skateboarding.

Well, that's all for now. I have to get back to the accounting department and go over this years financials once more before I leave the office.

to all my friends

I raise a shot to all my friends! Minerva, KB, Krome, Horst, Angry White Girl, Mountain Man, Fairy Butler, PostModernDebunker, etc. etc,

It's like the academy awards! There are too many to list!

Enjoy the new and improved Hell's Half Acre!

With x-tra special comments!!!!

reggae skank fest

Holeeeeeeee shiznit! Goblin is soooooooo stoned. He hooked it up with this dude in the picture who sold him this kine bud and now Goblin is locked into some serious hang time in a hammock by the beach listening to steel drums. This is what the dude sold him:



Anyway, I just decided to don some swimwear and kick it on the beach for awhile. Here's a picture of me on the beach. The water is looking a little swirly but that's because goblin was so high when he took the picture.

Stay loose my rasta friends. Until next time.

Krixoxoxoxxox