Hell's Half Acre

hooray for International Stalker Day

an excerpt. . .

What ever happened to secret admirers? Are they just stalkers now? If you notice someone, if you pay too much attention, that's weird. All of a sudden you're that guy who sits on the bench in the mall, right in front of the store where she works and stares inside all day. Or, worse, you're the guy who keeps going in. The guy with the Orange Julius who keeps saying, "I'm just browsing."
read on at http://www.asofterworld.com/oq-display.php?id=64

in the spirit of open letters

here is my open letter to dog owners.

Dear Dog owners,

first, let it be known that, of all the domesticated animals we know and love as pets, I most certainly love dogs the most. I might be what one would call "a dog person."  Cats are too independent for my taste, fish are just weird, and birds, with the exception of Spinekey and Fred the Cockatoo (which I will attribute to an early childhood obsession with Baretta) , birds are too messy and loud. Dogs, on the other hand are silly and cheerful and they love you unconditionally, even if you don't deserve it.

So Dog owners, you might be wondering why I am addressing you?  It is not your pets I am peeved with, it is you. You who leave your dog's leavings on my front doorstep. Or on the sidewalk of 7th Ave between 17th and 16th in front of the restaurant's outdoor seating in an area so congested with foot traffic that it is only moments before some unwitting pedestrian steps and drags the shit all the way up 7th ave. Or letting your dogs piss all over the chidren's playground equipment. Or on the trashbags 2 seconds before the garbage man hs to pick up the bag (that comes directly from the mouth of a garbage man I met.) I'm sure you get my point.

Yes dog owners, I DO have a problem with having to walk through your dog's toilet bowl DAILY. Do us all a favor and clean up after your damn dogs and be a little more considerate to the OTHER inhabitants of this place.

Thank you and good night.

That is all. I must now return to keeping my eye on the sparrow.

two years after the levees broke

I watched the Spike Lee documentary When the Levees Broke which got me all riled up again about Hurricane Katrina just in time to celebrate the 2nd aniversary.

The NYTimes has one of the best interactive pieces I've ever seen about Life Since Katrina. I wish I had been the designer to create this piece. I'm glad I'm not the designer who created the levees.

blogger ain't what it used to be

so. . .I was looking around to find some new off time content to read. Maybe a decent new blog.

Evidently the spammers and hackers have now all glommed on to blogger.com as a way to shred your system. I can't believe I am saying this because I resisted the upgrade for so long but THANK GOD for IE 7 and it's warnings about sites that try to install software onto your system.

I was minding my own bees wax, shuffling from next blog to next blog and suddenly I hit Sexxy Ass Latina Chicks, replete with YouTube video. So I quickly hit back and try again. Suddenly pop-up windows begin exploding on my screen like fireworks. A message comes up slowly as my CPU drains to nothing. "Do you want to install Microsoft Dynamic HTML writer to your system?"

HELL NO BITCH!

I loathe hackers and spammers and people who try to shove shit at you when you don't want it. I especially hate people who surreptitiously try to install stuff to your computer. I wish I could track them all down and take away their internet privleges. Maybe the two fingers they use to type should go as well.

Jagoffs.

in the WTF category

digital news of note:

Classic Arcade Game "Joust" to Become Feature Film

Los Angeles - Movie production company CP Productions plans to create a feature-length film based on the Midway Games classic arcade title, "Joust," GameDaily.biz reported.

The script from writer Marc Gottlieb was dubbed "Gladiator meets Mad Max" by producer Michael Cerenzie ("Blackout," "Black Water Transit").

okay. Wha??? NO!  This is fucking retarded. It is now reminding me of the guy's rant about Michael Bay and Transformers which I will reprint here for you reading convenience.

But when you turn these icons of adolescent wish-fulfilment into self-serious, preening death machines (that rollerblade), you miss the point. It’s like making a serious movie version of Super Mario Brothers that tries to logically justify a guy named Mario Mario who fights sentient mushrooms and subterranean dinosaur tyrants (oh, wait, we’ve been subjected to that too). Some things exist in their own idiom, and can’t be translated into a cookie-cutter overproduced blockbuster without immediately becoming a self-parody.

Joust. Seriously dude? WTF?

This post brought to you by

iPod's gift to krixfort during this morning's commute

Actually this morning's commute was a blessing all around. The F train has done this sneaky thing two days in a row where there are two F trains in a row. The first is, of course, jam packed like a cattle train. I imagine people passing out and dying before they reach 63rd and Lex. The second train, sneaks in after the first with no warning. The second one is roomy and spacious, like the love boat. There is a seat with my name on it. Isaac brings me my morning cocktail. I gingerly place my noise reduction headphones on my head and hit play.

This morning's commute was not like this.

It was more like this

My friend iPod then commenced with the best 80s playlist ever. Want to hear it? Here it goes.

Too much Information  -- The Police
Best of Both Worlds -- Midnight Oil
Sex and Dying in High Society -- X
Head Over Heels -- Tears for Fears  -- say what you want about this band - this song is a perfect pop song.
Old World, New World -- INXS
Pressure Drop -- The Specials
The Guns of Brixton -- The Clash.

At this point I was at work already so I can't tell you what was next in line.
All I can say is:

thanks Invisible Hand who makes the random playlist! If you are the same Invisible Hand who presides over this country's economic balance, I now forgive thee. kisses, kf

thanks for the gumball Mickey

This mickey looks demonic. Someone maybe slipped him a . . . mickey.

cross cultural beige communication breakdown

this post also titled: Why I'm not a friend of benelux a.ka. TODAY's RANT.

Why is it that I feel like I constantly have to spar with the kids from this place? or this place? Don't get me wrong. I do have a bit of volleying with all the kids from beige, mostly because, if I give them an answer they don't want for their clients, they come back looking for something else. I understand. I would do the same. But the other kids. . .they make it a fight just giving enough basic info to start my investigation. I get support requests like "it works in our system but doesn't work on website x so we took it off website x. can you find out why it doesn't work?" to which I reply "please provide a test page which demonstrates the problem or steps to reproduce." to which they reply "we can't do that" to which I reply "without reproducing we cannot solve" to which they then call my manager and complain that I'm roadblocking.

the direct managers I have are good. They know where I'm coming from and they have my back. If the wrong manager is called however, it can be a shitstorm.

this leads to another cross cultural communication prob. -- how to escalate a problem. Apparently, in some countries, it is the de facto rule to go right above someone's head immediately if you do not get the desired result. Here in my country, we usually give the person a chance to figure things out. Usually. It took a long time to get used to that and not take it personally.

here's a breakdown on who is naughty and who is nice.

Jolly = nice plus my favorites
Alitalia = nice plus good potential for non-beige visits
AUS = nice plus good for beers
BigInJapan = nice but very literal. . .no euphemisms or ambiguity allowed. Also scores as the most polite on IM.
Brazilia = same as alaitalia.
Germany = the NICEST. who knew. I dated a german boy once. He was okay. My opinion of others has not been super high but this little guy.  He is SO NICE. HEARTS!
China - very nice also
TheCrewFromT.A. = this is a hard one. Very curt on the phone, in writng, via email.  In person = intense and big hearted.
LA = I am trying so hard to have a good rapport with these guys but there is something about the left coast that can really push my annoyance buttons. everyone is cool cool cool and then RED ALERT MELTDOWN HOSTILITY. there are other factors at work withthese guys so  I am making it my mission to give the good stuff to them. Maybe they will calm down a bit and take a chill.   
BLX = WTF??? Why all the hostility mates? I'm on your side is all I have to say?

anywys, that's today's rant. Thanks for letting me bore the pants off'n you.

i've gone wireless

it's like I joined the 21st century or something. I've reached a new level of geekdom.

let me back up a bit.  For those of you who don't know me very well, I am a luddite. Yeah, I make websites work. Monkeys can make websites work. When it comes to technology like operating systems, routers, handheld devices, bluetooth, my cell phone, etc. I live completely and wholeheartedly in the stone age.

Case in point: Optimus Prime has gone without internet access for almost a month, even though there is one available, because I couldn't get him connected. I'm sure there was a way to do it but I couldn't figure it out.

Another case: my cell phone. I am notorious for having the oldest cell phone technology ever. 2 years ago I bought a new phone that brought me into the present only because it worked. At this point, works is a relative term. The cellphone has no camera, no web access, no fancy anything. It's just a phone with a battery that holds a charge for one call. According to Verizon, I can upgrade to a new fancy phone for free. . .if I sign up for their crappy service for two more years. No thanks. Need something that will work abroad.

case number three: windows. at work I have xp. at home, optimus has Vista. On both machines, I have them set to display as Windows classic. Looks like Windows 95. Why? Because otherwise I can't find anything. I can't navigate these new OSes. It drives me nutz. MiniB laughs at me because of this. I told him I am simply a luddite in programmer's clothing.

Today, I had a breakthrough. I am sitting in my bedroom, typing to you on Optimus Prime who is finally connected to the internets via the Lynksys Broadband Giganet Googlephonic did I say Broadband WIRELESS router.   Which I set up. Which I wanted to throw across the room while I was setting up. Which I didn't.

Patience paid off and now I am wirelessly drifting into the 21st century.

Thank you and good night.

Now I just need to set the clock on the VCR. . . 

hipster olympics live from williamsburg