all these posts suck ass

Dear Internets,

let me offer my apologies for sucking for all the world to see. I will try to think of something funny to post.

I mean really, I'm into my third week here and I have yet to post on Bizarro World. Bizarro World is this universe where they speak english, and watch the same tv shows, and eat the same food, and do the same things you and I do.

Or DO they?

Exhibit One: Law and Order SVU - I turned this on during my weekend of dispair in which I was homesick and couldn't function. In Bizarro World, they speed up the transmission/playback. . ? I don't know what they do but the voices were slightly higher. Ice-T sounded like a mouse and completely uncool. It's a wonder he has any street cred at all.

Exhibit Two: The Lift. I remember learning in French class in high school that there is GROUND FLOOR and then there is the FIRST FLOOR.  I pushed the "1" button for a week before it sunk in.

Exhibit Three: weird keyboard. The double quotes are where the @ sign should be. The number sign is where something else should be. I am not really a touch typist. This is hard.

Exhibit D: tampons. Beside being a week or so early (SURPRISE), lady time has introduced me to a different type of tampon. . . a british tampon. I wasn't figuring it out. I had to read the instructions. Seriously. I did. Re-TARD-ed. (it is possible that this is not an offshoot of Bizarro World but maybe a result of having to switch brands because I couldn't find they-that-were-designed-by-a-woman-gynecologist.)

Exhibit Z: words and euphemisms. My first day in Bizarro World I was embarassed after saying "I'm completely tossed." The looks of surprise around the table of people I DID NOT know was the first indication of a gaff. Over here, the euphemism for Tossed is meaning number 6 in the Urban Dictionary. Look it up. There have been others of course. And for the record, I never say tossed in the states. I am unsure why that phrase came out of my mouth. Maybe it was my brain trying to play a joke on me.

Here are some additional notes.  The residents of Bizarro World have informed me that I do NOT have an anoying accent. They also like my sense of humor so we're good there. I like to drink and smoke just like they do. 

They cannot sell me on the mushy peas though. That is a no go.

Mind the gap,
krixfort